哈佛大学2023年度优秀文书分析点评（第二篇）

每年，在申请季结束后，机构都会搜集一些优质文书进行分享。今年我们又选取了一些被顶级名校录取的文书，供大家参考学习。

我们可以在这些文书中，感受到学生们对于生活的敏感，深刻的洞察力和有意思的古怪想法。

哈佛大学近日公布了2023年度10篇成功申请哈佛大学的文书并给出了点评。本次入选文书主题多样，文章风格各异，为各大准留学生提供了一个很好的参考。

今天我们来点评其中的第二篇文书！希望大家可以通过这篇文书的评析，领悟一些文书写作的技巧！

文书鉴赏

文书名称

When Life Doesn’t Give You Lemons

《当生活不给你柠檬》

With the blazing morning sun beaming through the window, I had an inclination to make a stand to sell Lebanese laymounada - a light lemonade flavored with a splash of rosewater. Throughout my childhood, anytime the temperature spiked over seventy degrees, there would be laymounada waiting for me at my Teta’s (grandmother in Lebanese Arabic) house.

每当清晨的阳光透过窗户洒在我身上的时候，我都会想摆个摊位来卖黎巴嫩的 laymounada（一种用玫瑰水调味的淡柠檬水）。在我的整个童年时期，每当气温超过七十华氏度，我的特塔（黎巴嫩阿拉伯语中的祖母）家里就会准备好 laymounada 等着我。

At that moment, I scoured the cabinets and secured the glass pitcher only to realize we did not have lemons. To my disappointment, I realized my days of being an entrepreneur and generating revenue from my laymounada stand were over before they could even begin. I sat at the kitchen table, wallowing in disappointment. I wanted everyone to be able to taste my Teta’s laymounada. Suddenly, I had an idea that would either prove to be inventive or a total failure. I would sell lemonade without the lemons. Revolutionary, right?

这时，我翻箱倒柜找来了玻璃水壶，却发现我们没有柠檬。令我失望的是，我意识到我想通过laymounada摊位创收的企业家生涯还没开始就已经结束了。我坐在厨房的桌子旁，沉浸在失望之中。我希望每个人都能品尝到我的 Teta's laymounada。突然，我有了一个想法，这个想法要么被证明是别出心裁的，要么就是彻底失败的。我打算卖没有柠檬的柠檬水。很革命吧？

美国几乎所有青少年都有过卖柠檬水的经历。

有的孩子把它当作挣零花钱、积攒创业经验的捷径；

有的孩子则把柠檬水的利润捐给慈善组织，回馈社区。

I ripped off a rectangular sheet of paper towel and jotted down my business plan. I listed the key elements of the business plan: a drawing of a cup, a rose, and the price- “fifty scents”- to correlate with the rose-themed business. I sat outside of my childhood home located in a cul-de-sac of five houses and sold my neighbors a rose drink- a combination of filtered water, packets of sugar, and a dash of rosewater. Granted, I only made about $10 from a combination of my parents and generous neighbors who did not drink the “lemonade”, but the experience allowed me to realize regardless of the obstacle, if you are passionate, you can persevere. Teta’s laymounada was my introduction to entrepreneurship.

我撕下一张长方形的纸巾，记下了我的商业宏图。我列出了商业计划书的关键要素：一个杯子的包装设计、一朵玫瑰装饰、以及与玫瑰主题业务相关的价格——“五十种香味”。我坐在儿时的家门口，它位于五栋人家组成的死胡同里，向邻居们推销一种由过滤水、糖包和少许玫瑰水组合的玫瑰饮料。诚然，我只从父母和慷慨的邻居（他们甚至都没喝柠檬水）那里赚了大约10美元，但这次经历让我意识到，无论遇到什么困难，只要有热情，就能坚持下去。Teta's laymounada 就是我创业的开端。

The entrepreneurial skills gained from my laymounada stand allowed me to establish A&G Jewelry, co-founded with my sister when I was twelve. This business focused on representing our Lebanese heritage. Using supplies we found around our house and from our local craft store, we created a variety of pieces that featured traditional Middle Eastern coins, beads, and clay baked into the shape of Lebanon. My sister and I collaborated to create marketing tools to promote our new business. Before we knew it, A&G Jewelry had earned a spot at my church’s annual Lebanese festival. After tirelessly marketing and selling our jewelry for three days straight, we had made over $900 in revenue, which we decided to donate to the church.

从 laymounada 摊位上获得的创业技能让我在 12 岁时与姐姐共同创办了 A&G 珠宝公司。这家公司专注于展示我们的黎巴嫩传统工艺品。我们利用从家里和当地手工艺品商店淘来的材料，制作了各种以中东传统硬币、珠子和烤成黎巴嫩形状的粘土为特色的饰品。我和妹妹合作制作了营销工具来推广我们的新业务。在我们意识到这一点之前，A&G 珠宝已经在我的教会一年一度的黎巴嫩节上赢得了一席之地。在连续三天不知疲倦地营销和销售我们的珠宝之后，我们已经赚了900多美元，最后我们决定把这笔钱捐给教堂。

Entrepreneurship took a new form in high school when my sister and I founded our second partnership, The Model Brockton City Council. We saw a need to engage our peers in local government by designing a simulation of our city council. We had to collect signatures, present to many administrators, and market our new club. The initial goal to have more people try my lemonade resonated with me as I strived to have more people engage in their civic duties. Today, over twenty-five of my classmates frequently attend my meetings.

高中时，我和姐姐建立了我们的第二家合伙企业——"布罗克顿市议会"，创业精神由此焕然一新。我们认为有必要通过设计一个模拟市议会的系统，让我们的同龄人参与到地方政府中来。我们必须收集签名，向许多行政人员介绍并推销我们的新俱乐部。我最初的目标是让更多的人尝试我的柠檬水，我努力让更多的人参与到他们的公民义务中来。。如今，我已经有25位同学经常参加我的会议。

With my first business venture selling laymounada, I made $10; with A&G Jewelry, $900; with the Model Brockton City Council, the revenue amounted to $0. Although there was not a financial gain, I attained experience as a negotiator, problem solver, creative thinker, and most importantly, I became persistent.

第一次创业卖 laymounada，我赚了 10 美元；A&G 珠宝店赚了 900 美元；模范布罗克顿市议会的收入为 0 美元。虽然没有经济上的收益，但我积累了谈判、解决问题、创造性思维的经验，最重要的是，我变得更执着了。

Twelve years have passed since that summer day with my “laymounada,” and I have yet to maintain a long-lasting business. My six-year-old self would have seen this lack of continuity as a colossal failure, but instead, it instilled an intense curiosity in me. Little did I know the experience would remain so vivid after all these years. It has continued to push me, compelling me to challenge myself both academically and entrepreneurially. As I grow older, my intrinsic drive to have a lemonade stand, regardless of whatever obstacles come my way, persists as a deep-seated love of business.

从那个夏日我创业 "laymounada" 开始到现在，已经12年过去了，我还没有维持一项长久的生意。六岁时的我可能会将这种缺乏连续性的情况视为巨大的失败，但它却激发了我强烈的好奇心。我不知道这段经历会在这么多年后依然如此生动。它不断鞭策着我，迫使我在学业和创业方面不断挑战自己。随着年龄的增长，无论遇到什么困难，我都会坚持开一个柠檬水摊，这是我对商业根深蒂固的热爱。

When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say).

当生活没有给你柠檬的时候，仍然要做柠檬水（或者像我的泰塔说的那样，laymounada）。

文书评析

顾问点评：

通俗易懂的叙述型文书，从行文到故事比较经典，可模仿

这是一篇叙事性很强的主文书。开头花了比较长的篇幅讲了自己急中生智做“柠檬汁”卖给邻居的故事。

说到讲故事，这篇文书也运用了第一篇哈佛系列文书里我们提到的黄金法则是“Show，not tell”。不要只是告诉招生官你是一个多么伟大的人。相反，试着通过你的故事向他们展示你的个性、性格和成就。

在乔治娜的故事中，她分享了所有让她难忘的柠檬水摊经历的丰富多彩的细节。例如，她加入了一些有趣的细节，比如将她的饮料定价为“50种香味”，以配合玫瑰主题。她还开玩笑说，她赚的10美元主要来自支持我的父母和慷慨的邻居，他们甚至懒得喝“柠檬水”。

这些细节将乔治娜描绘成一个有趣、有创造力、有进取心的人，同时也展示了她的谦逊。

不过，这段经历还是稍微有些争议的，毕竟它也有点诈骗的味道在里面。还好作者及时把它定义为“entrepreneurship”的启蒙课程，算是立住了。

这里作者用很生动的语言描写了一段小时候的经历。需要特别注意的是，小时候的经历可以写，但一方面要控制篇幅，而且要和后面你要讲的故事线、人物的性格高度相关才可以。毕竟童年经历过去很久了，我们现在是在申本科，不是小升初。

后面就是“打怪升级”式的情节：作者的微创业经历。但是ta聪明是没有顺着创业、创收这条路一直走，而是把自己entrepreneurship的能力引导到了发起校内活动上，往影响力上面靠了。而且如果一味说自己赚了多少钱就跑偏了，大学不希望培养单纯会赚钱的商人。