哈佛优秀申请文书鉴赏第一篇(附招生官点评)

文书是留学申请中非常重要的一环,哈佛大学每年会在官网公布一些优秀文书的范例,并附上招生官的点评。

本文中整理了一篇标题为Planned Uncertainty文书的原文和点评,供大家参考~

文书原文

As I rode up and down the gentle slopes of the Peabody skatepark, I watched my younger brother race down from the highest point on the halfpipe and fly past me at the speed of light. I wish I could do that, I thought, eyeing the enormous curve that towered over me. But I didn’t dare make my way up to the top. Instead, I stuck with the routine I was comfortable with, avoiding the steep inclines at all costs.

当我在皮博迪滑板场的平缓斜坡上骑上骑下时,我看着我的弟弟从U型池的最高点跑下来,以光速从我身边飞过。我希望我也能这样做,我想,眼睛盯着那高耸在我头顶上的巨大曲线。但我不敢爬到山顶。相反,我坚持了自己喜欢的运动,不惜一切代价避免陡坡。

Each week during the summer before my fourth grade year, my brother and I would visit that same skatepark, and I would take my mini-BMX bike to the bottom of that monstrous ramp, ready to attack the giant. I started off low reaching only a quarter of the way up at first, too scared to go any higher. But each week, I gained more confidence and kept reaching greater heights. Halfway there, two-thirds, three quarters. Until finally, I mustered up enough courage to complete my final challenge.

在我上四年级之前的每个夏天,我和哥哥都会去同一个滑板场,我会骑着我的迷你小轮车到那个巨大的坡道底部,准备好攻击那个巨人。一开始我爬得很低,只爬了四分之一,我太害怕了,不敢爬得更高。但每一周,我都获得了更多的信心,并不断达到更高的高度。一半,三分之二,四分之三。直到最后,我鼓起足够的勇气完成最后的挑战。

With my brother’s shouts of joy ringing in my ears, it seemed as though the concrete mass was calling my name, drawing me closer and closer, until I couldn’t resist its pleading any further. I walked my bike up the stairs and approached the steep drop off. My hands started to sweat and my legs began to shake as I inched toward the edge, staring in the face of doom. Finally at the lip of the ramp, I paused briefly, took a deep breath, and moved forward just enough to send myself speeding downwards. I couldn’t contain my excitement as my, “Woooo!” echoed around the park. I had finally ridden down the tallest ramp!

我的耳朵里回荡着哥哥的欢呼声,好像那块混凝土在呼唤我的名字,把我越拉越近,直到我再也无法抗拒它的恳求。我骑着自行车上了楼梯,走近陡峭的斜坡。我的手开始冒汗,双腿开始颤抖,我慢慢地走向悬崖边缘,面对着厄运。终于到了坡道边上,我停了一下,深吸了一口气,向前走了几步,刚好能让自己加速往下走。我无法抑制自己的兴奋,“哇!公园里回响着。我终于从最高的斜坡上骑下来了!

Throughout my life I have enjoyed having a plan and being in control. When working in a group, I make sure that everyone knows exactly which aspect of the project they will complete. I organize all my homework in a planner so that I never miss a due date. Each night, I outline my schedule for the following day so that I know what meetings, sports events, and other activities I have to attend. When I visited New York City over the summer, I prepared a detailed itinerary to follow. Rarely is there a day when I don’t have a general idea of what I’m going to do, but sometimes my plan doesn’t correlate with how the day truly plays out.

在我的一生中,我喜欢有计划和掌控一切。在团队中工作时,我确保每个人都确切地知道他们将完成项目的哪个方面。我把所有的作业都安排在计划表上,这样我就不会错过截止日期。每天晚上,我都会列出第二天的日程安排,这样我就知道我必须参加哪些会议、体育赛事和其他活动。当我在夏天访问纽约市时,我准备了详细的行程。很少有一天我不知道我要做什么,但有时我的计划与这一天的实际情况并不相关。

Over the years, I have learned to adapt when situations take an unexpected turn, and, similar to that time at the skatepark, I have been able to step out of my comfort zone more often. It isn’t the end of the world when things don’t go exactly as planned; often times, sudden changes and new experiences make for a more enjoyable and interesting time. As much as I enjoy a strict itinerary, some of my best nights have begun by hopping in the car with my friends, picking a direction, and going wherever the wind takes us. As hard as I try to plan out my day, an unforeseen event is almost inevitable. Although this can bring about some stress, scrambling around to figure things out is not only an essential skill, but can be a fun challenge, too.

多年来,我已经学会了在情况发生意想不到的转变时适应,而且,就像那次在滑板场上一样,我已经能够更频繁地走出我的舒适区。事情没有完全按照计划进行并不是世界末日;通常情况下,突然的变化和新的经历会让你度过更愉快、更有趣的时光。尽管我很喜欢严格的行程安排,但我最美好的一些夜晚是从和朋友们跳上车,选好方向,随风而去开始的。尽管我努力计划我的一天,不可预见的事件几乎是不可避免的。尽管这可能会带来一些压力,但四处奔波解决问题不仅是一项基本技能,也是一项有趣的挑战。

I can’t imagine a completely organized life without a little uncertainty. Unexpected circumstances are bound to occur, and making the most of them is one of my favorite parts of life. Regardless of how much I love having a plan, my flexibility and willingness to step out of my comfort zone is something I have and will always take pride in.

如果没有一点不确定性,我无法想象一个完全有组织的生活。意想不到的情况肯定会发生,充分利用它们是我生活中最喜欢的部分之一。不管我多么喜欢有计划,我的灵活性和愿意走出舒适区是我所拥有的,并将永远引以为傲。

文章整理自哈佛官网,作者为Billy

https://www.thecrimson.com/topic/sponsored-successful-harvard-essays-2024/

Professional Review by Dan Lichterman

招生官点评

Billy’s story of conquering Peabody skatepark’s monstrous ramp is about more than simply broadening his comfort zone through incremental risk exposure. To truly appreciate how this vignette enhances his candidacy, one must consider its larger context. Billy admits to being a hyper-organized itinerary maker who has always loved being in control. The image of a fourth grade Billy dropping in on his BMX bike is the exact opposite of the one portrayed by his extensive extracurricular leadership and ambitious environmental engineering aspirations. Without explicitly saying so, Billy’s essay shows us just how much his free-range childhood summer now diverges from his rigidly hyper-scheduled high school years. While it may feel like a lifetime ago, Billy hasn’t forgotten what it's like to inch towards the edge, stare into the face of doom, and willingly let go. In fact, the memory is just as vivid now, eight years later, whenever Billy presses the pause button on his goal-directed pursuits to take a beat, throw caution to the wind, and embark on an impromptu road-trip adventure with friends. Billy’s half-pipe story balances out a candidacy that could risk appearing guarded or inflexible in its absence, demonstrating self-awareness about the opportunity cost of becoming overly wedded to a game plan.

比利征服皮博迪滑板场巨大斜坡的故事不仅仅是通过增加风险暴露来扩大他的舒适区。要真正理解这个小插曲是如何增强他的候选资格的,人们必须考虑到它更大的背景。比利承认自己是一个非常有条理的行程制定者,他总是喜欢掌控一切。四年级的比利骑着他的小轮车去拜访的形象,与他丰富的课外领导能力和雄心勃勃的环境工程抱负所描绘的形象完全相反。虽然没有明确说明,但比利的文章向我们展示了他自由自在的童年夏天与他严格安排的高中岁月有多大的不同。

虽然这感觉好像是很久以前的事了,但比利并没有忘记那种慢慢走向边缘,凝视着末日的脸,然后心甘情愿放手的感觉。事实上,八年后的今天,每当比利按下暂停键,放松一下,把谨慎抛到脑后,和朋友们开始一场即兴的公路冒险之旅时,他的记忆还是那么清晰。比利的半管道故事平衡了他的候选资格,因为没有这个故事,他可能会显得过于谨慎或不灵活,他表现出了对过度沉迷于游戏计划的机会成本的自我意识。

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