官方托福范文分析| 20分出头的托福作文问题你中了几个？

今年4月，最权威的《托福官方指南The official guide to the TOEFL iBT》（以下简称OG）第7版终于出版了。

关于改革后的托福写作关键点和变化，官方终于给出了详细说明。因为篇幅的限制，老师会通过几期给大家详细解释。大家放心的是，基本上跟老师之前对写作评分标准rubric/写作要求的解读一致。

毕竟官方不会给出自相矛盾的评分标准，并且写作团在改革后已经出了10个写作满分。

今天分享的是学术写作·样题和范文:

（一）官方例题：

（二）3分/20分作文：中国学生的写作平均分是21分(ETS《2023年全球托福成绩报告》)。

确实，很多同学每次考完试信心满满，以为自己至少能考到25分，结果分数出来就傻眼了：21，22分。苦思不得其解。

所以今天老师结合这篇3分档，也就是30分制中的20分出头的作文。帮助大家搞清楚其中的问题。

官方3分档范文：

官方评语：

总的评价是：“It is a partially successful contribution that is mostly relevant and understandable but does not display enough facility, vari- ety, and elaboration to rise beyond 3.”

翻译：这是一个部分成功的文章，内容大多相关且易于理解，但在语言运用的流畅性、多样性和深入展开方面不足，不足以评分超过3分。官方的评分依据主要还是在两个方面：语言表达和对观点的展开。

一. 语言表达官方有2个方面的评价：

(1). “does not display enough facility, variety”没有体现足够的语言流畅性和多样性。

👩🏻‍🏫：语言多样性是学术作文评分标准中4分的要求“A variety of syntactic structures and appropriate word choice”. 很明显，这篇作文中并没有达到这个标准,更别说语言的流畅性了。

比如，在句式上， 原文就3句话，基本是简单句, 谓语部分还多次使用can。句间的连接也只会用and并列, 使得句子之间非常松散。

👩🏻‍🏫：我们的作文主要是因果逻辑，也会经常使用并列列举。所以，表示“因果”和“并列”的句型大家至少要熟悉2~3个，像这篇作文这样只会用and, because, so 肯定是句型有限的，得不到高分的。

可以做如下修改：

原文第1句：I think boarding school is in the most interest of the students, cause they can develop some good routine, learn from each other, share their interest for commun things, discover other culture.

修改：In my view, boarding schools serve the best interests of students not only by fostering the development of positive routines but also by enabling them to learn collaboratively, share common interests, and explore diverse cultures.

原文第2句：In boarding school, the students can be more focus on the school and have better grades.

修改：In boarding schools, students are more focused on their academic pursuits, which often leads to improved grades.”

原文第3句：Boarding school can also help the students to develop their sense of friendship, they learn they can count one on eachother and they should help each other in every situation.

修改：Furthermore, boarding schools cultivate a strong sense of camaraderie among students; they learn to rely on one another and provide mutual support in various situations.

或者：Boarding schools enhance the development of strong friendships among students by teaching them to depend on one another and to offer consistent support in various situations.

(2). “noticeable lexical and grammatical errors throughout the response”

整篇文章，有明显的词汇和语法错误.

👩🏻‍🏫：这就直接对应了评分标准中3分的要求：“Some noticeable lexical and grammatical errors in sentence structure, word form, or use of idiomatic language”

比如：词汇错误：

• “cause”应为“because”，这是错误缩写。

• “interest forcommun things ”应为“interest incommon things”，这是介词搭配错误和拼写错误。

• “electronic razor”应为“electric razor”，这是词汇使用不当。

•"discover other culture" 应该“explore other cultures”, 这是搭配不当和名词单复数错误。

语法错误：

• “focus”应使用被动语态或进行时态，如“can be more focused on”。

• “they learn they can count one on eachother”中“eachother”应为“each other”，并且这个句子结构较为拗口，缺乏连贯性。

👩🏻‍🏫：这篇文章也给大家展示了什么是noticeable errors？就是很多同学觉得“很小/很不起眼的”单词拼写，词汇搭配，名词单复数，被动语态，代词指代... 这些在英语熟练的考官眼里，就已经很刺眼了。就像我们中国人能一眼看出“王”和“玉” 的区别。

二. 内容方面官方的评价是：Some of these arguments are, however, not very well elaborated.

一些论点没有得到很好的阐述。比如：what is “some good routine”?

why are boarding schools suited to sharing things more than day schools?

具体问题：

1. 原文：“cause they can develop some good routine”

原因：过于模糊，具体指的是哪些习惯，为何这些习惯是好的呢? 缺乏具体的解释和证据支持。

修改：Boarding schools encourage students to adopt beneficial routines such as structured study times, self-discipline, and effective time management that help them excel academically and personally.”

2. 原文：“also I think that being confined into the same environment could effect the child’s creativity and also social skills.”

原因：官方评语询问了“为什么寄宿学校比日校更适合分享东西why are boarding schools suited to sharing things more than day schools?”这意味着学生没有提供足够的解释或例子来支撑寄宿学校这一优势。

可以补充原因：因为寄宿学校是一个封闭和密集的环境，学生们经常一起学习，运动。而日校就没有这种优势了，因为学生们每天都要回家，呆在一起的时间有限。

修改：In boarding schools, students not only live and study together in a close-knit community, but they also participate in organized group activities such as study sessions, sports teams, and cultural events. This constant interaction, which extends beyond the classroom and into their residential life, naturally fosters a culture of sharing and cooperation. In contrast, day schools often lack this continuous community engagement due to the students returning home each evening, which significantly limits the time available for such immersive group experiences.

🙋🏻‍♀️：字数会影响分数吗？

有的同学可能会问：这篇作文字数都不够，有被扣分吗？

👩🏻‍🏫：肯定是会被扣分的。而且字数少，内容少，词汇句型的多样性肯定也会受到很大的影响。所以，官方给的样题范文是178字，可见一斑。

所以，核心肯定还是语言质量。同学们可以自我对比一下，如果自己的语言质量和这篇作文一致，即便是字数够了，可能也只能和这篇文章一样，是20~22分。

总的来说，这篇作文集中反应了托福官方所看重的2个大方面：语言和内容展开。也都是同学们会犯的典型问题。值得同学们在自己的写作中注意。

老师之前也诊断过很多同学的考场作文，其中包括25分作文。在语言和内容展开方面的问题跟这篇差不多，大家可以参考。